Harry Potter and the Shameless Parody
by SusieQ1
Summary: Be afraid, be very afraid
1. In which Harry looks Angsty

Have a fun time in my happy little world!  
  
(Dumbledore walks down the street, holding what seems to be some kind of miniature Thermos.)  
  
Dumbledore- Weeh! This is fun! Maybe the audience will be so into watching the little flying pieces of fire they won't how incredibly old I sound! Oh yeah, and it will never be explained why I actually do this. Oh hey, Professor McGonagall. This is the only time I will ever call you that, by the way.  
  
McGonagall- Even though you were being as serious and un-funny as I am, I still must act like you were goofing off.  
  
Dumbledore- Hagrid's bringing the baby, by the way. I trust him fully, even though he's a half giant who raises evil animals and got expelled from school.  
  
McGonagall- Are you sure this is a good idea? What if these people don't have a good health insurance plan?  
  
Dumbledore- Since Harry's family all have mysteriously died, this is it.  
  
Bookies- What about the Lemon Drop part? *whimper*  
  
(Hagrid shows up)  
  
Hagrid- Hey guys! Guess who I borrowed this bike from? SIRIUS BLACK!!!!!!!  
  
JK Rowling- Score one for subtle foreshadowing  
  
Dumbledore- OK, well bye Harry, have a nice life.  
  
Hagrid- I have become emotionally attached to him, even though I only spent about 30 minutes with him.  
  
*10 years later*  
  
Bookies- Harry's eyes aren't green! This is the end of life as we know it!  
  
Harry- It's the Hard Knock Life for me  
  
Uncle Vernon- Come on Harry. I drop about 50 hints that you are weird, but you don't ever notice.  
  
Harry- 'Steada treated, I get tricked.  
  
Snake- Hey dude, what's happenin' bro.  
  
Harry- Holy sh- I mean bloody hell! I can talk to snakes!  
  
JK Rowling- Yah you better be British boy!  
  
Chris Columbus- *sigh*  
  
Snake- Yo, homie, it's not a good thing to talk to snakes.  
  
Harry- I'll look totally serious until Uncle Vernon decides to look at me. Then I'll laugh.  
  
Uncle Vernon- Not a good idea kid.  
  
*  
  
(Respect plays in the back round. We see Harry, jumping up and down on his bed)  
  
Harry- R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me!  
  
Uncle Vernon- God Harry! Get the mail!  
  
Harry- Woah! I got a letter! I'll make sure to hold it out in front of me so everyone notices I have it!  
  
Uncle Vernon- Give me that letter! Ooooooh, look Petunia, a pretty symbol, aw crap, that's for Hogwarts.  
  
Harry- Hey, give it back!  
  
Uncle Vernon- No! It's a subscription to Playboy! I better burn it!  
  
Harry- Since I am a preteen without hormones, I certainly do not need that subscription. I am a robot. What is your command.  
  
Dudley- AAAAAAAAH! Harry's a..... Toy Harry like in The Santa Claus 2!  
  
Harry- Dude, that movie sucked.  
  
Audience- Except for the moleinater part.  
  
Chris Columbus- What about "Home Alone"? Quote "Home Alone"!  
  
Harry- Sorry, McCauley Culkin gives me nightmares now.  
  
*  
  
Harry- Wow, look at all the lovely letters. I'll try to grab the hardest one to grab, to assure I won't be able to get one.  
  
Dudley- I'll take the subscription.  
  
*  
  
Harry- This is the part where everyone feels sorry for me.  
  
Dudley- Look at my dorky pajamas!  
  
Harry- Don't worry, I'll have a pair soon enough  
  
(Loud knocking is heard on the door, and it falls over)  
  
Hagrid- Sorry I knocked over your door. The camera had to zero in on my every body part to make it look as big as possible.  
  
Perverts- Hehehe.  
  
Dudley- I can talk like a baby!  
  
Hagrid- Hey Harry, what's shakin?  
  
Harry- Oh my god, it's Fat Bastard!  
  
Hagrid- Hey....  
  
Harry- Oh, sorry. You know, just a little more purple and you could pass for Barney.  
  
Hagrid-...Anyway, you're a wizard Harry.  
  
Harry- Well, duh. Didn't you see the previews?  
  
Uncle Vernon- It's a cult! Don't go Harry....don't leave me....  
  
( They fight about Harry going to Wizard school. Petunia gives a long, angst-filled speech.)  
  
Hagrid- Ha, watch, I can turn your kid into a pig, aw crap.  
  
Bookies- JK, what did the Dursley's do about that anyway?  
  
JK Rowling- Um, they said, um, a wart got out of control! That's it, right.  
  
Hagrid- Well come on, let's go.  
  
Harry- Alright  
  
(They skip off merrily into the sunshine, holding hands. The Barney song plays in the background.)  
  
Harry- Hagrid, I'm glad you're with me.  
  
*  
  
So there's my lovely humor. Scary, isn't it?  
  
I'll keep writing on sugar high at midnight if you like it, so yah, click the button if you want too. 


	2. Hagrid and Flanders and Furbies, oh my!

Hagrid- See Harry, I can magically appear anyplace I want.  
  
Harry- I cannot overemphasise how much I need the fashion police.  
  
Hagrid- Here it is, my favorite place, the bar.  
  
Bartender- Hey look everyone, it's Harry Potter!  
  
(All creepy looking extras put on a huge, shocked face)  
  
Quirrel- My stuttering sounds forced.  
  
Hagrid- Watch the amazing moving bricks  
  
Harry- I can do that with Lego's!  
  
Diagon Alley People- Toyland, Toyland, Little girl and boy land...  
  
Harry- Too bad I'm broke.  
  
Hagrid- Hehe, surprise!  
  
Harry- Hey, how'd you get my key?  
  
Hagrid- .... Um, yes, well here's an IOU. Sorry, I couldn't resist.  
  
Harry- You spent 500 galleons on strippers?  
  
Hagrid-... Anyway, ven conmigo! You can put your tuppence in the bank, Harry!  
  
Harry- But I want to spend my tuppence!  
  
Goblin- I am evil.  
  
Harry- Woah, a mutated Furby!  
  
Goblin- Grrr  
  
Hagrid- See this little package Harry? I'm going to act as mysterious as possible about it.  
  
Audience- Hey, how'd he get all that stuff? We saw no shopping!  
  
Chris Columbus- Hello! I have to make time for my daughter, of course!  
  
Harry- This store is creepy.  
  
Ollivander- So am I!  
  
Harry- Ben Parker?  
  
Ollivander- Try this one!  
  
( Exploding)  
  
Harry- How about no?  
  
Ollivander- Or this?  
  
Harry- Nope.  
  
Harry- Wow, this one makes me feel all tingly inside, or is that your Lizzie McGuire poster?  
  
Ollivander (in a high pitched voice) I can't wait for the world to spin, I can't wait to be happenin'  
  
(He slides around on his ladder)  
  
Harry- Someone, kill me now.  
  
Harry- Please, can I just have my wand?  
  
Ollivander- Okely dokely. Stop by anytime, and we can play Convert the Heathens!  
  
Harry- .....  
  
Hagrid- Look what I got you Harry! Aren't I a nice friend?  
  
Harry- An owl. I shall call him.....Mini-Me. 


	3. THE MEETING da da duh!

(A/n- OMG thank you guys so much for reviewing, you are the best! Love to all!)  
  
Harry-Wait, did someone change my birthday, or did time just go by really fast?  
  
Chris Columbus- Ha ha!  
  
Hagrid- Okay Harry, I'll just drop you off with useless instructions and leave. Hope you find your away around this huge train station!  
  
Harry- Gee, thanks.  
  
(Harry wanders around, and coincidentally ends up exactly where he's supposed to be.)  
  
Harry- "One, is the lonliest number..  
  
Weasleys- Lets conviently walk by!  
  
Mrs Weasley- Muggle, muggle, muggle, muggle  
  
Harry- I think they're wizards!  
  
Audience- Gee, ya think?  
  
Mrs. Weasley- You poor thing! This is my only line!  
  
Ginny- Mine too!  
  
Fred and George- We're not funny, but it's ok cuz we're only in it for two seconds.  
  
Bookies- Where are Percy's glasses?  
  
(Harry goes to the train, finds a seat, and stares out the window.)  
  
Ron- Hi! I'm your new best friend!  
  
Harry- Hi!  
  
Ron- Wow, I can feel the best friend vibes already.  
  
(They skip around the corridor, singing "Best of Friends" from the "Fox and the Hound")  
  
Harry- Ooo, candy!  
  
Ron- I'm poor. This will make everyone feel more sorry for me. Maybe I can vene surpass you mister angst-ridden hero.  
  
Harry- I'm rich!  
  
(They eat all the weird food, which looks strangely like actual candy. Gee, I wonder why? Anyway, Harry finds a chocolate frog and a cheesy hologram of Dumbledore.)  
  
CHoD- I used to be a important plot point.  
  
Chris Columbus- Hahaha! Sucker!  
  
Hermione- I'm the one that saves you all from being killed in virtually every book. This is our "chance" meeting.  
  
Ron- Why's your hair crimped like that?  
  
Hermione- So it will make it look more bushy of course!  
  
Ron- Look at my sad excuse for a spell!  
  
Hermione- See, I told you I was smart!  
  
Ron- Grrrrrr 


	4. Too much hairgel, too much bleach, too m...

Audience- It took all day to ride the frickin train? Geez.  
  
Hagrid- Come on kiddies! Sorry for ditching you back there Harry, but there were some characters that needed developing!  
  
Harry- S'ok.  
  
Hagrid- Hold those torches up high, kids! This'll be on the movie poster!  
  
Audience- Is this really necessary?  
  
Extras- Wow, we're stars!!!!  
  
Susan Bones (Eleanor Columbus)- My first of ten million close-ups!  
  
Chris Columbus- Go Eleanor! I'm going to make JK write you in, somehow!  
  
(He cowers in fear as JK starts snapping and going "I'm gonna sock you up, boy!")  
  
(They arrive)  
  
McGonagall- Don't I look intimidating?  
  
Audience- Not really, your neck is in a funny position.  
  
McGonagall- I'll randomly leave now.  
  
Malfoy- I am your bucktoothed, bleached haired, gelled enemy.  
  
Audience- Sorry little chipmunk, you're not intimidating.  
  
Malfoy- Take me hand, Harry, and I will teach you how to make your hair as bleached and gelled as mine.  
  
Harry- Sorry, I'm sticking with the comic relief guy.  
  
Malfoy- Grrrrr.  
  
Crabbe/Goyle-Grrrrr.  
  
Harry- *blinks*  
  
Ron- *stupid grin*  
  
McGonagall- Ok, um, well, now that all the characters have been developed, lets go!  
  
(They all skip along merrily, down the Hogwarts halls, which are filled with pink clouds and ponies. In the backround we hear the "My Little Pony" soundtrack.)  
  
Hermione- See I told you I was smart!  
  
Susan Bones- I'm a star! Shine bright, shine far, don't be shy, be a star! Where you live where you are, be a star!  
  
(A chorus of house elves start singing along with her.)  
  
McGongall- Okay, well that was weird.  
  
Harry- Just a bit.  
  
McGonagall- Since our director-  
  
Chris Columbus- Woohoo! That's me!  
  
McGonagall- Is very intent on making this movie as short as possible, I will only sort the characters crucial to the plot.  
  
Chris Columbus- And..?  
  
McGonagall- (sighs) And his daughter.  
  
Chris Columbus- Woohoo!  
  
McGonagall- Hermione Granger.  
  
Bookies- GRANGER HERMIONE!!! Why????????  
  
Hermione- Oh, Billy, I'm so scared!  
  
(Everyone looks over to see a tall man, dressed in 1930's clothes whirling a baton around.)  
  
Harry- Where the hell did he come from?  
  
( A/N: I promise I will give review shoutouts next chapter! Sorry I had to stop, this chapter was going to be longer. Sorry for the wait as well! You guys are awesome!!!! By the way, a gold star to anyone who can figure out what movie Susan Bones' song comes from. ;) ) 


	5. More sortings and hair grease

(A/N: Here you go!)  
  
(Hermione is sorted! Um, yay!!)  
  
Malfoy- My turn! My turn!  
  
(He runs up, happily clapping his hands, skipping in circles. He then sits down.)  
  
Hat- Ahh, I can smell the gel already!! Slytherin!!  
  
(Malfoy claps his hands and skips over to the Slytherin table, where there is a huge picture of a man with extremely greasy, gelled hair, holding a bucket of greasy hair gel and smiling.)  
  
McGonagall- Susan Bones!  
  
(Immediately a fanfare breaks out, and a parade comes crashing into the great hall. Susan Bones is carried in on an elephant, with a spotlight on her.)  
  
Harry- Oh, for crying out loud!  
  
Chris Columbus- (Is dressed in a pink cheerleader outfit, with a bow in his hair.) "G-O lemma hear you say go go go go! That's right, now let me hear you say fight, fight! W-I-N lemma hear you say win, Win! Together, lets hear it, Go Fight Win Susan!!!! Woohoo!!"  
  
(He stops, as he notices everybody staring at him.)  
  
Harry- That was not only stupid, it was also quite disturbing.  
  
Ron- (shaking slightly) The visions of that cheer will haunt my dreams forever.  
  
(Harry is drawn away from this horrific sight by another man. This man has jet-black hair so greasy large quantities of it are falling to his shoulders. Gospel singers are dancing around him singing:  
  
"Its rainin' grease, Halleluiah, It's rainin grease, Insiiiiide!!!"  
  
Harry is very perturbed by this and decides not to worry about this.)  
  
McGonagall- Harry Potter!!!!!  
  
(Whisper whisper whisper)  
  
Sorting Hat- Yo, yo yo, what's up, what's up? Its time to get busy, so lets start the sorting, right, right, right oh yah, bay bay GRYFFINDOR!!!  
  
Harry- That was just, weird.  
  
Dumbledore- Ok, now that all the important characters are sorted, lets start the feast!! But first.. I must do my world famous.belly dance!!  
  
Ron (who of course is Gryffindor. You never saw him sorted? Tough.) - Can he do that?  
  
Dumbledore- I can do anything I like Ron, I'm eccentric. (he does a weird movement with his eyes.)  
  
Ron- Bit weird isn't he?  
  
(A/N: Thank you to all the people who reviewed..you're the best!! BTW.. I totally didn't intend to sound like anyone else..this is all me I swear!! Honest!! Thanks again!!) 


	6. I'm Flying!

te(Disclaimer- I'm just a kid with way too much time on my hands. I don't own Harry Potter.)  
  
(WARNING- This chapter of HpatSP is the most random and weirdest yet. Please do not  
  
read if you're pregnant or have a heart condition.)  
  
(The next day, Harry and friends have a fun filled day of flying lessons. They meet  
  
Madam Hooch, who seems to have dropped her hairdryer in the bathtub one too many  
  
times.)  
  
Neville- Hey, Harry, you're it!! Haha.  
  
(Neville jubilantly flies up in the air, and promptly falls back down.)  
  
Madame Hooch- OK, nobody move, I'm going to take Mr. Longbottom to the hospital wing.  
  
(Her poor brain is so electrified from the hairdryer incidents she doesn't notice Harry hovering in the air.)  
  
Harry (amazed)- I can fly!!  
  
Hermione, Ron and Malfoy- He can fly!!  
  
Hermione- But Harry, how do you fly?  
  
Harry- It's easy! You think of a wonderful thought!  
  
Hermione, Ron and Malfoy- Any happy little thought?  
  
Harry- Uh, huh  
  
Hermione- Like toys at Christmas?  
  
Harry- Yeah, watch me now, here I go!   
  
It's easier than pie.  
  
Hermione- He can fly!  
  
Ron- He can fly!  
  
Malfoy- He flew!!  
  
Harry- Now you try!  
  
Hermione-I'll think of a mermaid lagoon.   
  
Ahhh, underneath the magic moon!  
  
Ron- I'll think I'm in a pirate's cave!  
  
Malfoy- I think I'll be an Indian brave!  
  
Harry- Now, everybody try!  
  
[All:] One, two, three!  
  
Hermione, Ron and Malfoy- We can fly, we can fly, we can fly!  
  
(They all crash)  
  
Harry-This won't do. What's the matter with you?   
  
Oh, and something I forgot! Dust!  
  
Hermione and Ron- Dust?  
  
Malfoy- Dust?  
  
Harry- Yep, just a little bit of pixie dust!   
  
Now, think of the happiest things...  
  
It's the same as having wings!  
  
Hermione -Let's all try it... just once more.  
  
Ron -Look, we're rising off the floor!  
  
Malfoy- Giminee  
  
Hermione- Oh, my!  
  
Hermione- we can fly,  
  
Harry- you can fly!  
  
[All:] We can fly!!!  
  
Harry- C'mon everybody, here we go!   
  
All the other students- Think of a wonderful thought  
  
Think of Christmas, think of snow  
  
Think of sleigh bells Here we go!  
  
Like a reindeer in the sky  
  
You can fly! You can fly!  
  
You can fly! You can fly!  
  
Soon you'll zoom all around the room  
  
All it takes is faith and trust  
  
But the thing that's a positive must  
  
Is a little bit of pixie dust  
  
The dust is a positive must  
  
You can fly! You can fly!  
  
You can fly! You can fly!  
  
When there's a smile in your heart  
  
There's no better time to start  
  
It's a very simple plan  
  
You can do what the birdies can  
  
At least it's worth a try  
  
You can fly! You can fly!  
  
You can fly! You can fly!  
  
(Harry and co. are so caught up in their flying they don't notice McGonagall watching them.)  
  
McGonagall- Harry Potter.come with me!  
  
Harry- (flashes everyone a look) I'll be back.  
  
McGonagall- Well, yes, congratulations Harry! You just won the lead role in this years Quidramatic production!  
  
Harry- Quite dramatic what?  
  
McGonagall- No, Qui-dra-mat-ic. Our school's performing arts!  
  
Harry- Wow.  
  
McGonagall- Hold on, I must get Wood. (She hurries off and returns with Oliver Wood. All girls swoon.)  
  
McGonagall- Oliver, I've found you a Peter!! (Later)  
  
Ron- Peter? But first years never make the school plays. You must be the youngest actor in a-  
  
Harry- Century. McGonagall just told me. And it's my favorite play too! And I'm Peter Pan!  
  
Fred and George- Congratulations Harry, Wood's just told us.  
  
Ron- Fred and George are in the play too. They're Lost Boys.  
  
Harry- I don't know Ron, I've only memorized the "I'm Flying" song. What if I make a fool out of myself?  
  
Hermione (appearing)- You won't!!  
  
(She leads them to a case, where a picture of a man with jet-black hair is dressed in green tights.)  
  
Ron- Harry, you never told us your dad was Peter too!  
  
Harry- (dreamily) I didn't know.  
  
Chris Columbus- What? Oh sorry, I was off celebrating that Susan Bones had two lines in Book 5.  
  
Everyone else- Haha, he'll never know.  
  
(A/N- I warned you, didn't I? Now, review dang nabbit!!) 


	7. Yo quiero Taco Bell

A/N: Ok, just to set the record straight, I didn't know there was a book called Shameless Parody, jeez! So stop being mean to me! ( Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I love you!)  
  
(The next day Harry heads out to his first Quidramatic practice.) Chris Columbus- Hold up, what's this?  
  
JK Rowling- What did you do to my book boy?  
  
(She starts snapping around, again.)  
  
Chris Columbus- No more of this! This is an outrage! I will not be succumbed to this slavery of listening to you people! I am director! I will fight for freedom!  
  
(He starts to sing as a flag waves behind him.)  
  
Do you hear the people sing?  
  
Singing a song of angry men?  
  
It is the music of a people  
  
Who will not be slaves again!  
  
When the beating of your heart  
  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
  
There is a life about to start  
  
When tomorrow comes!  
  
(Everyone stares at him.)  
  
(CORRECTION: Harry heads out to the field for his first Quidditch practice.)  
  
Oliver Wood- I am a mad psychopath in the books, but I a big stud muffin in the movies.  
  
(All girls swoon.)  
  
Harry- Sorry man, I don't float that boat.  
  
Oliver- Here are my balls, hehehe don't take that the wrong way now, hehehehe.  
  
Harry- (blinks.)  
  
Oliver- I crack myself up!  
  
Harry- (blinks again.)  
  
(Later...)  
  
(Hermione, Harry and Ron end up on the not-very-well-guarded third floor.)  
  
Harry- This is scary. Lets run and alert everyone we're here.  
  
(They run down a creepy looking hallway and up to a door that says: BEWARE! DO  
  
NOT OPEN THIS DOOR YOU MORONS." But they never were the sharpest tools in  
  
the shed, except for Hermione. They open the door to find..)  
  
The Taco Bell Dog- Yo quiero Taco Bell.  
  
All 3: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!  
  
Harry- I thought you were gone!  
  
Ron- Noooo!!!  
  
(They all run, out panting.)  
  
Hermione See-I-told-you-I-was---smart.  
  
Ron- How does that make you smart?  
  
Hermione- It just does!  
  
Ron- Whatever girlfriend!  
  
(A/N: Hardy har har har.) 


End file.
